The Naughtiest Thing
Once upon a time in a place called Wheatley
(which means wheat field, and is well named)
there was a field of wheat -
I tell a lie, there were many.
But in a certain field among these fields, there grew the finest wheat
that ever swayed in the breeze.
And when the wind blew over that field, if you listened,
you would hear golden bells in the air.
And when the sun shone on that field, it would warm your heart.
And when rain blessed the field, the fish in the rivers
leapt into the air for sheer joy,
their scales glinting like your mother’s best jewellery.
Now, this field was tended by a goblin,
and the goblin’s name was Chaffinch,
for his father was a bird,
and his mother was a lie.
And Chaffinch the goblin would spin gold from the wheat in the field,
and the gold that Chaffinch spun brought good luck
to anyone so lucky as to wear it.
And all that the goblin asked in return
was to be told a lie - to help him remember his mother.
Many years passed, in sunlight and rain,
and one day a young girl chanced on a hole in the ground
and the hole was the house of the goblin
and the girl was the vicar’s daughter.
When the girl saw the goblin, she said,
“Hello, who are you this fine day?”
And when the goblin saw the girl, he said,
“This fine day as all fine days, my name is Chaffinch.
and if you tell me a lie I shall spin you some gold”
Well, the girl had always been taught not to tell lies,
so remembering her lessons,
she said, “Oh goodness me”
and she tried to think of something that would please the goblin.
And then she said, “gosh”, and then she thought of something
that she thought was very clever,
and she said, “I have never been naughty”.
When she said these words, Chaffinch the goblin smiled,
and he waited to remember his mother.
And he waited - and he waited - and he did not remember.
And he looked at the little girl’s eyes,
And he looked at the little girl’s mouth,
And he looked at the words in the air.
And he said, “That is not a lie, is it?”
And the girl said, “Yes it is!”,
and she clasped her hands over her mouth,
and that was her first ever lie.
And in that moment, Chaffinch remembered
his mother, and he did a little somersault in the air
and he promised to spin some gold for the girl.
But do you know what the girl said? She said, “I’ve no need of gold!”
for she had only been trying to make the goblin happy.
“All I ask”, she said, “is to run in these beautiful fields”.
Chaffinch smiled, and he laughed. and he said,
“My dear girl, you must run as much as your heart desires”.
He pointed to the field to the North, and he said,
“run every morning in that field as you please”
and he pointed to the field to the East, and he said,
“run every afternoon in that field as you please”
and he pointed to the field to the South, and he said,
“run every evening in that field as you please.
But in that one field that is to the West of us,
do not run, not at dawn, nor at noon, nor at dusk nor at night.
For that is the field where I spin my gold,
and from my gold comes the good fortune of all this land.
Should you run in that field, then the wheat shall be spoiled
and if the wheat is spoiled, then my gold shall be spoiled,
and if my gold is spoiled, then all our fortunes shall be spoiled.
So should you run in that field, vicar’s daughter that you are”,
said Chaffinch, “Then all this land shall be cursed,
and you will not fix it, no matter how you try,
even if you go to London even if you meet with the Queen,
even if you run the whole kingdom,
for every single thing that you say from that day on will be a lie,
If you run in that one field that is to the West of us.”
And do you know what she did?
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This fairytale poem was published as a Glastonbury Broadside Ballad, in a numbered edition of 50 available exclusively from Glastonbury bookshops. It’s possible there are still some out there in the wild - if one finds its way to you, do let me know.
'The Naughtiest Thing' is a work of fiction and any similarity to any former Prime Ministers, Home Secretaries, or vicar’s daughters living or dead is entirely coincidental.
Brilliant !